I went over to Belfast from the Thursday of the week before last and stayed with my mum in the Marie Curie hospice, sleeping on a seat bed in her room. I had asked her what her image was of the after life …. Did she believe in God …. What would happen after she died? She said she thought of it like going to a Grannies house she never knew and that she would come to the door and “here I am” and the Granny would let her in. And also that she could be an angel hovering over people and watching them.
Her birthday was on Monday 1st July so we expected she would wait for that. Her birthday came and went and on Tuesday the nurses asked me whether there was anything else she would have been waiting for, a birth or anniversary. I couldn’t think of anything. They said it was her will alone that was keeping her alive. After midnight that night I began to realise she was going to go that night and got up and sat by her bed. Her breath was very laboured and she had been in no pain throughout the six week period prior and so she was not on many drugs of any kind, so small changes were very noticeable. The nurses said she was showing none of the imminent signs of death but would let me know when they thought I should call my brothers. I sat with my hand on the crown of her head.
At 3.30am the nurse came in and said I should call anyone who would like to be present… I called my brothers, Paul, Brendan and Dermot, and her friend, Jim. Dermot and Jim came immediately. Both Paul and Brendan said they did not feel the need to be present. We sat in the room. I tried to tune in to what was happening for her, what she was thinking. I had the image of water flowing like a river for quite a long time and then what seemed to be a barren landscape. I realised that it was the sea. She loved the sea and was having that in her thoughts. I was not able to talk but the nurse said she could hear me if I spoke to her; and said to call her if we needed anything.
I started to talk to her. I reminded her of the image of the granny house and said it was going to be time soon to go to the granny house and that what we hadn’t realised was that the house was by the sea! We sat and looked at the sea together …. I wasn’t sure if I was her or with her but we sat and looked at the ocean. I described it to her, the width, the depth, the distance, the peace and calm on this beautiful warm sunny day. Walking by the sea was one of the things we did together. We must have sat there for fifteen minutes, in silence.
And then we turned to look at the granny house. Her room was in the house and it had a balcony overlooking the sea and on the balcony were flowers and plants, which she also loved, and as I talked of the room her breath changed and became natural. No longer the laboured gulps of intaking breath of the past hours but now breathing out and intaking breath in the natural rhythm of living. I told her that when she was ready she could go to the house and I reminded her that I would not be coming with her and that I would stay here till she had gone in to the house and if ever she needed to check on us all she could leave her room as the angel she had told me about.
We began to head up the path and I reminded her it would be her decision when to go and that everything was ready in the room and granny was waiting for her. She gave a small cry like a chid or a bird, hawk-like. I told her she was on her way and that this was it and that it was beautiful and wonderful in exactly the way she wanted it to be and she took in a breath and let it out and then a second more lightly an don the third intake of breath she breathed out and went. I felt a swoosh of energy running from her head down to her feet and I knew she was gone. We sat quietly knowing it was over. I rang the nurse who came in and confirmed that she was dead. I felt a convulsing of tears and emotions through my body separating me from the seaside and as it passed through me a great peace and restfulness came.
And Ireland being Ireland, we then removed the body to the front room in my brother’s house, where it was waked for the next three days with tea and ham sandwiches and plenty of drink to tell stories, laugh, get angry and cry with the children, relatives, friends and anyone who wanted to dress up in their funeral and wedding suit and doff their cap and say “sorry for your trouble” and come and sit with the body.
She died July 3 2002. We later discovered that this was the anniversary of her own mother’s death.
July 2002
by Niamh Dowling
